Amish Mafia Busted For Selling Raw Milk

You know who commits a lot of crimes?


The Amish.

Don’t let those modest clothes and pious, friendly attitudes fool you.  Underneath it all, the Amish are a seething, rage-filled organized crime syndicate, just waiting to catch one of your kids alone and off guard.  Waiting outside their schools to fill their little systems with one of the most horrible substances imaginable.  Yes, the Amish are peddling….

Raw milk.

Worse than crack cocaine or crystal meth, raw milk, or ‘raw’ as it’s called on the streets,  is now the number one substance of abuse among children aged five to twelve.  Most of these kids have ‘cool’ parents, who claim that raw is good for their kids, and that as long as they’re drinking it at home, they’re not hurting anyone else.  As a matter of fact, most child raw addicts were turned on to the substance by the very people who are supposed to be protecting them–mom and dad.

Raw is such a rampant epidemic that the Feds have taken notice.

Recently, a small Amish farm in Pennsylvania was raided by the FDA and a group of US Marshals for selling raw to willing consumers.  Some time in April of 2010, at about 5 AM, these Amish ‘dealers’ were put under the heat lamps and pumped for information, much like the cows they own are pumped for their ‘product’.  According to terrified onlookers, this is how it went down:

Feds:  “Where’s the juice, Big M?” (a.k.a. Malachai, whose name we changed to protect his family)  “We know you’ve been selling it across state lines.  That’s a federal crime, beardy boy.”

Big M:  “We don’t abideth by your modern laws, G-Man.  So shoveth thee off my farm.  And taketh Food and Drug man with thee.  That raw is for personal use.”

But alas, Malachai was outnumbered, and outsmarted.  The Feds eventually found vats of raw, unprocessed milk labeled for sale to different cities around the country.  The Feds had found their smoking gun.  It was all they needed to gain a conviction.

The charge:  Posession with intent to distribute…raw milk.

Malachai was done for.  However, this was not to say that he wasn’t given a chance to change his ways.  The FDA had even sent him a letter, telling him to cease and desist.  But poor Malachai was just too far gone to think about consequences.

Let this be a lesson to you, boys and girls, about the dangers of messing with the federal government.  Sure, you’ll have strong teeth and bones.  But if you drink raw milk, you pay the price.  Just ask Malachai.

I can’t help but wonder how the next “this is your brain” commercials will play out.


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